“Did you hear what she asked me this morning?” I said to my husband on our drive to church this morning.
“Yes…I did.” He replied with an apologetic tone. “Although, I think it bothered you more than it bothered her.”
That dreaded question.
I knew it would one day come. And her and I have talked about my illness before…with me bringing it up. But to hear those words come from my little 4 year old’s mouth was like a shot to my heart.
As my little girl stood in the bathroom, watching me get ready for church this morning, she sweetly asked…“Mommy, why don’t I have a brother or sister like [insert her friends’ names here]?”
I gave her a half-smile and knelt down to her eye-level. I took her hands in mine and said, “Sweetie, do you remember how mommy told you that I became very, very sick after you were born?” “Yes.” “Well, because of that mommy isn’t able to carry any other babies in my tummy. I’m so sorry, sweetie.” And tears filled my eyes.
She didn’t seem too phased, however…she responded with an “Oh yeah…” and quickly moved onto her next conversation topic, asking if she could put on some of my lipstick.
And my husband was right…I was more bothered by it than she was. In that moment, fear and sadness and doubt flooded my mind. Would she long for a sibling her whole life if we are never able to adopt through foster care? Will she have a void in her heart for this sibling she may never have? There was something so incredibly hard about hearing my sweet little girl ask about something that is so completely out of my control for her life. There are so many things in this world that I can give her.
Barbie house? You’ve got it, girl. Swing set? It’s yours. Juice and crackers? Coming right up! A baby brother or sister?……….I’m not sure if I can ever give you that, sweetie.
That one’s not up to me. That one is completely out of my control. And this morning, in one innocent little question out of a 4 year old’s mouth, I was reminded to re-surrender.
To re-surrender my life journey…the path that God chose for me. To re-surrender my shattered life plans, the “picture perfect” story I had written for my life…to lay it at the foot of the cross and re-surrender my life to Jesus. To await with open hands…ready and willing to accept the joys, the trials, the blessings, the struggles…for the sake of Jesus.
Does Avery have a baby foster brother whom she adores? Yes. Will she one day say good-bye to him, like she did Z? Or will she get to say “welcome home forever?” Only God knows. But I will re-surrender my life with confidence to the Author who wrote my story. I will re-surrender my worries for Avery’s future heartache or “voids” because I know good and well that only Jesus can heal them and fill them. Only Jesus can fulfill her life…and mine.
And in that, I find rest, no matter what our future looks like or holds.
His will, His way…