Since sharing our news of our second failed transfer…and the fact that we used the last of our embryos, I have had quite a few people ask…
“Could you try again?”
And the answer to that is “Yes…yes, we could.”
We could go through IVF all over again (this time without the help of insurance)…
We could go through another egg retrieval…praying I don’t get Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome again…
We could jump back on that emotional rollercoaster, praying for a different outcome the next time…
But we’re not.
See, the reality of it is…the embryos were not healthy. All three of them were unhealthy…which is why the transfers were unsuccessful. Now…the reason they were unhealthy is unknown.
Could it be related to my hysterectomy? Absolutely.
Could it be related to the heavy-duty antibiotics I was on for two weeks+ to knock the deadly infection out of my system? Absolutely.
Could it be something other than those two things? Absolutely. The odds of it being related to those two things are much greater…but the actual reason does not matter.
The only true reason that matters is simply that it was not in God’s plan for our family. He gave us an answer. And I truly believe that if we were meant to have a child through surrogacy, it would have worked with Jessica.
While He picked this journey for us, He did not pick the outcome that we picked…and that’s okay. He picked the journey. He picked us growing closer to Him through it. He picked us trusting in Him completely. He picked us building our faith in Him. And He picked an ending to our story that would only strengthen all of those things.
Would we have grown closer to Him, and trusted in Him, and had faith in Him had it worked? Absolutely… But do we still have all those things with it not working? Absolutely…
You see, when you go through something so utterly heart wrenching…and you get to a place of fear and sorrow so deep (my illness, almost losing my life, my hysterectomy) that you feel like you’ll never surface again…and then you actually touch God there. You feel Him lift you out of it and then all of a sudden you’re not afraid of the pain this life may hold….you start to feel a peace. And I know I have talked about “peace” time and time again, but it’s so true.
God has just given me a peace in my heart. And I know that I will be okay…I will overcome anything that comes at me, anything that this world throws my way…because I have a God beside me whom I know is GOOD. And after the loss of those babies…God just held me and said…
“Child, trust me. Have faith in me. Draw close to me. My peace transcends all understanding. I work all things for the good. I make beauty from ashes. I see the finish line. This is not your unhappy ending. Your story is unfinished…I know this because I wrote it. Remember, it is my will, my way. Trust me. Rest peacefully in ME.”
Perhaps He will use us and our story and this chapter of our lives to touch others. I pray that it will.
Perhaps our journey has already touched you. I pray that it has.
Perhaps He will bring us a child another way. I pray that He does, if it is His will.
But one thing I do know is that our story is not over…our journey…our purpose in this life is not complete…and I trust and have faith in God and his unfolding plan and story for our lives…individually and as a family.
We choose to follow Him…and where He’s leading us is not to try again via IVF and surrogacy. And we trust in that and have faith in that…and we will continue to follow Him no matter where He may lead us.
His will, His way…