Mixed Emotions

As I sit and let the good news [Jessica’s good results from her last lining check before the transfer] sink in, I am relieved…I’m not surprised…but I am relieved. That’s sort of how this journey to our *second* attempt has been.

Not surprised…but relieved.

Hopeful…but guarded.

Faithful…but nervous.

Excited…but scared.

Sure…but confused.

Because…in the reality of it all…This. Is. It.

This is our last attempt at a child through surrogacy.

This is the last time we will fly Jessica to Ohio for a transfer.

And the emotions that go along with that are a little overwhelming and conflicted.

On Tuesday, JJ and I met with our church counselor.

The pastor spoke with us about our journey so far…surprised at how much we’ve been through together already, having only been married about 3 1/2 years. It surprises me too at times when I sit down and think about it… But by meeting with him, we were just really seeking MORE prayers…we were seeking more encouragement, support, love, guidance, reassurance…and we got just that.

We talked with him for about an hour. He asked if we had received any negative feedback because of how controversial surrogacy can be. I talked about one instance of a Christian being ugly to me through my blog posting. He stopped me and said,

“You know…God’s biggest miracle of all time was through the use of a surrogate…Mary.”

JJ and I were both so warmed by this thought. He was so right. Jesus, our Lord and Savior, was brought into this world through a surrogate!! I mean how much BIGGER can that get!? It can’t…like he said…that was the BIGGEST miracle of all time! He went on to say how he believes God is on board with this.

He prayed over us…for us, our journey, our baby, and Jessica. I felt comforted and reassured. Not because I feel like “Oh yes, this will absolutely work.” Because…I don’t know that it will. That’s how I felt the first attempt…and obviously, I was wrong. But because I know that God is in control. He knows the end result already. He wrote this in His book long before it was ever a thought in our minds. He picked Jessica for us and us for Jessica. He knows our child’s name and whether he or she will be on this side of heaven or His. And whichever side that may be, they will be a child of God.

And although I have mixed emotions, I refuse to let the negative ones conquer my thoughts.

Although I am nervous, I refuse to lose faith.

Although I am guarded, I will remain hopeful.

The Bible tells us to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and that is exactly what I am going to do.

Would you join me?

Jessica and her mom will fly in on Tuesday. Please pray for safe and smooth travels.

The transfer is scheduled for Thursday, 11/6…we do not have a time yet, we will know on Wednesday and I will update all you prayer warriors with that once I have it.

Thank you for your continued prayers, encouraging words, kind thoughts…you have no idea how much it means to all of us.

God bless,


4 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions

  1. Many prayers coming from Vidor, Texas. God definitely chose a special couple to carry your child – Jessica, Justin & Corbin are very loved here in Vidor. If, by some chance God has plans other than an addition to your family, you still will have gained a precious group of new friends & prayer partners here in Texas!

  2. You know Grandma has you in her prayers and we will be praying Tuesday night at bible study. Love you all.

    Sent from my iPad


  3. Thank you for continuing to share your story. God is at work and he is Good.
    I am praying for you and your family. To God be the Glory great things he has done!

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