and if not…He is still good.

I must preface this part of our story with the fact that I write this with a very heavy heart. I have enjoyed sharing our story with all of you, and the amazing things God is doing in our life, up until writing this part of our journey…but God has led me to openly share our journey and with that can come sadness, too.


When Jessica came to Ohio for the transfer, I had a basket full of goodies for her…and one thing in her basket was a box of home pregnancy tests. This is a pretty typical gift to a GC (Gestational Carrier) at transfer, because most people start testing at home (due to their lack of patience and anxiousness) before their first blood test (beta) to confirm a pregnancy – typically 10 days after transfer.

Jessica started testing last Tuesday, which was just 4 days past the transfer. It was negative.

We were not discouraged because we knew it was still so early.

She tested again the next morning and there was a very faint line…one so faint you had to squint to see it. But hey, it was a line.

She took a digital test later that day and it came up, clear as day, “YES +”.

We. Were. Thrilled.

We told our family and some friends because we just couldn’t contain our excitement. But we were going to wait until after our betas to get too excited.

Monday was our first beta. This blood test measures the amount of HCG in your blood, which proves there to be a pregnancy. The IVF nurse called me Monday afternoon and informed me that our level came back at only a 9.9. I knew this number was low from reading about levels and doing my own research. She went on to tell me that anything above 50 is great. A number as low as 9.9 does not typically grow, but she’s seen it happen. She said they would test again on Wednesday and that would really be the determining factor.

I was devastated.

Monday is a day that I work for JJ at home, so thankfully I was home when I got the call. JJ had come home from work because he wasn’t feeling great, so thankfully, he was there too.

We cried and cried and were just in disbelief.

I latched onto JJ and said, “I’m so glad you’re here.” I knew in that moment that God sent him home to be there when I received that phone call. He knew I couldn’t handle that news alone.

We sat for awhile, really just staring…we didn’t have any words.

Later that day, after texting with Jessica, we decided “You know what, we are just going to gather up our prayer warriors and pray and pray and pray for that number to multiply 10 times over by Wednesday.”

And that’s exactly what we did. We rounded up our prayer warriors and had everyone praying for a miracle. People I have never met or don’t even know were praying for us.

Wednesday morning rolled around and Jessica went in for her blood draw. Even the woman taking her blood prayed over her for all of us and the babies.

That afternoon, I got the call. And I knew immediately the answer from the tone of the nurse’s voice. The level had dropped to a 5. At their lab 5 or lower is considered negative, so we had officially lost the babies.

I was devastated all over again. So many “Whys” flooded my thoughts.

Why did we get a positive pregnancy test only to have low betas?

Why didn’t it work…they described Jessica’s levels and lining leading up to transfer as “perfect”? The transfer went smoothly!

And the biggest “Why” of all….Why didn’t God answer our prayers? There were SO many of us praying!!

But, the truth is…God did answer our prayers.

God’s answer to our prayers is not always “Yes.” And it’s not always “No.” A “No” can mean, “Not yet.” Or “I have something even better planned.” But no matter what…when His answer is NOT what we wanted to hear, it’s very hard to understand. Our savior, Jesus Christ, understands all of our feelings, as He once walked this earth and felt our earthly feelings, too. He heard us, He saw our tears, He felt our pain…so when He said “No”…it was because He was protecting us from something. He has something better in store for us.

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Leading up to the phone call on Wednesday, I truly felt God preparing me for the “No.” My devotional Wednesday morning spoke about how Jesus is always available to us. Sometimes we may feel distant, but that is simply a feeling. He is always there…always watching over us. It read…

Let these assurances of My continual presence fill you with Joy and Peace. No matter what you may lose in this life, you can never lose your relationship with Me.

After reading that, I don’t know why, but I just knew…I knew in my heart that it was a “No.” And He was already starting to fill me with peace.

Peace.

It was a word that had been flooding my prayers for the last several weeks. I never prayed for a positive result before the transfer…I knew He already had that written in His book. I prayed for “Peace”. And before knowing the result…and awaiting results, I prayed He would give us “Peace” as we waited. And now…

As we struggle to understand why this wasn’t part of His plan for us, I pray for “peace” in our hearts. And everyone who has reached out after hearing the news has said they are praying for “peace” for us.

We MUST trust that no matter how devastating or heartbreaking a moment in our life is, God is still in control. He chose this, He let this happen…he can make beauty from ashes and I have faith and hope that His ending to our story is much greater than I could have ever imagined. For some reason, these two babies were not picked to come into our family. But now, moving forward, I am trusting that God has the perfect sibling picked out for Avery, the perfect son or daughter for us, this side of heaven…and I am SO THANKFUL that we do have one last chance to try.

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Please continue to keep us and Jessica and her family in your prayers, as we pray for peace for all of us and that this is not the end of our journey together. Thank you once again to all of our prayer warriors out there! We truly feel lifted from your prayers.

~Lisa

 

 

3 thoughts on “and if not…He is still good.

  1. Oh, Lisa. You are such a beautiful soul. I’m so very sorry that the answer was no this time, but I do trust there’s a “yes” in your future. Much love to you.

  2. My dear Lisa,
    What a testimony you have for our Lord. Uncle Rod and I were so sad to hear of your loss. We pray for your continued strength and courage as you continue on this journey. Every morning I’m praying of you both. We pray for the day that we can understand why you have to go through this difficult time.
    So thankful for your faith that will carry you through.
    We love you!
    Aunt Kim

  3. Dear Lisa
    I am so sorry Lisa.
    I have been in your very shoes and I know they are not easy to walk in. Give yourself time to process and grieve this huge loss. Continue to seek God for his wonderful comfort, tenderness , and strength. He cares and there is a plan even in this mess.
    PS: I love your title “Turning my mess in to his message”.
    Hang in there!

    In Christ Love
    Linda
    Fellow Veteran and survivor of Infertility and GS

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