Wishful Thinking

Never in a million years would I have imagined that at 29 years old, I’d be at the place in my life that I’m at today. Sure, I always dreamed I’d get married and have a family by now…I remember telling my mom growing up that I wanted to be a “young mom”, not an “old mom”. What does that even mean!? What makes one better than the other? How naive I was! I said I wanted to have my first child by 24 and be done by 30 because I didn’t want my kids to think I was old. That is almost laughable to think about and look back on today.

My husband and I were both 26 when Avery was born and I feel like we were babies ourselves. It’s amazing how quickly you grow up when you become a parent. It’s amazing how REAL the world becomes, how many new worries you have, how your Friday night plans now consist of watching Shark Tank and 20/20 on the couch after your child goes to bed for the night and you are actually excited about that (Hey, what’s wrong with that!?), and how your heart truly molds and changes.

Now throw in with parenthood a near death experience and hitting rock bottom emotionally and you’ve got yourself an entirely new lease on life. I read recently in my “Jesus Calling” devotional (which I HIGHLY recommend) that some people feel closer to God when their lives are filled with good things and others grow closer to Him when difficulties force them to depend on Him. But God knows precisely what we need to draw nearer to Him. We are to accept every event in our lives as His HAND-TAILORED provision for our needs.

Does that blow your mind? It blows my mind. Because through my illness, my recovery and now this surrogacy journey, I have felt God. I have felt His hand leading me. I felt His push last summer when I decided to first share my story. My heart was heavy to put it all out there and that was Him guiding me to do so. He picked this path for my life. He knew what I needed to draw closer to Him and to put my complete faith and trust in Him. And because I have talked to Him and listened to Him, He is answering prayers.

Romans 8:28 rings in my mind constantly because it is such an encouraging verse for me right now.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

When we trust in Him and follow Him and live out our lives for Him according to His purpose, God will work for the good!! He is the one who can make beauty from ashes.

Since sharing my story, God has used it to touch people and inspire people and encourage people. He has used it to direct me down paths that he designed for me. Recently, God has led me to a local non-profit organization called The Mother’s Nest. It was founded by an amazing Christian woman, Jenna, who also went through a pretty traumatic birthing experience. The Mother’s Nest was developed to support and serve moms as they navigate through motherhood by offering relationship, resource, connection and community in non-threatening/non-judgmental avenues (www.themothersnest.org). All of the amazing moms I have met at the Mother’s Nest offer support in my and my husband’s journey and offer a place to connect as moms! Currently, I am part of the “Mom-Squad” and am a mentor for an expecting mom in our “Becoming Mom” program.

The Mother's Nest

I have never felt more alive in my life than I do now, and it’s not because life is easy and going just perfectly, because it certainly isn’t, it’s because I am serving the Lord and have a love for Him stronger than I ever had before. As I said, I would have never pictured my life to be the way that it is now, but I honestly wouldn’t change it! Even the whole sickness I went through and now not being able to carry a child. I wouldn’t change it. God brought me to the bottom so that I would draw nearer to Him. He knew precisely what I needed. And I did! I wasn’t close in my walk with Him. I wasn’t putting my utmost trust in His plan for my life. I was living for me and my husband and Him too, sorta, sometimes, when it was convenient.

I recently heard a new song by MercyMe that I fell in love with because of the lyrics. Here is a piece of it:

Lord is it possible to get this far
And just now understand who You are?
I’m feeling foolish yet relieved as well
Cuz what I bought before, I just can’t sell

But now my eyes are open wide
If this is wrong
I don’t wanna be right

Could it be that on my worst day
How You love me still will not change
What if it’s really not about
What I do but what you did, oh what if

This ain’t wishful thinking it’s just how it is
This ain’t wishful thinking it’s just how it is

Well, I guess I’m better late than not at all
Or did you plan it this way all along
Cuz without suffering grace is hard to see
So maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be

And now, I’m seeing You so differently
And all I can say is finally

So my question for you is…

What are you waiting for?

What was I waiting for? I am so thankful I finally see God clearly and understand His love for me. I am thankful for His grace and acceptance of my imperfections.

This ain’t wishful thinking, it’s just how it is. It’s time to really get to know God.

 

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